Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Chronicles of HERNIA i.e the operation!

OK..Here's the play-by-play of the BIG day: Tuesday ROCKtober 24,2006/

Arrived at the hospital at 7am for sign in/prep.

The part I dread most: Finding a vein (tap tap)..inserting the IV needle into my right hand. It feels like they're jamming in a ball point pen. It's a dull and sharp pain all in one.

The part I enjoyed most: Shaving the privates. I had a shreik of embarrassment at the moment I was told what they were going to do, but then I saw the NO GIGGLE ZONE poster hanging up nearby! Phewwww! Actually, I felt like a pampered porn star and having taken my first post op shower, kinda thinking about running to CVS for a Shaver. It's a decent look when I hold in my gut.

The Operation: The easiest part, I was ASLEEP!

Before being put under, I did look around the room for any more of those NO GIGGLE ZONE reminders. I mean it's just ME in my birthday suit on a very narrow table. They actually strapped me to it as not to fall off it during the procedure. The bilateral procedure had begun. That's two areas to repair just above the pubic zone. (No giggling)

Post Op: The fun was beginning, I was ready to get dressed and be discharged as the surgeon poked being the curtain and instructed that I need to go pee on my own before I could be released. (catheter use).
Still pretty loopy from anethesia, I proudly took my new porn star look to a nearby bathroom.

It was there that I reached down and realized my whole groinal area was numb! totally under novicane. I went from proud porn star to George Costanza "shringage boy" in a nanno second. I had no choice but to sit down and do my thing. I heard there's a term for guy's who sit down to pee but anyway..I pressed down and proceeded to piss what felt like razor blades! I mean one schick double-edge after another. It was so painful I caught a major wave of nausea and literally had to just sit back and take deep breaths! I sat there for 20 minutes! Wife very concerned. asked a male orderly to go in and check. Thanked Dr. Tomasello for a job well done and got wheel chair transport to the front door for the ride home. His response was 'you won't be thanking me in about 6 hours". I was too loopy to grasp it. Got home. HAH, this doesn't feel all that bad. I was still paralyzed from the nuts up of course, did not realize the fun that awaited me.

Fast forward to 7pm:

Snakey snakey was starting to wakey (to coin a phrase from TV's Earl)..

By 8pm: Snakey snakey was now fully awakey. I was totally immobile. Searing pain with every movement.
Fell asleep reading at about 11pm. Woke up about 2:15am in total agony. Took percocet to go back to sleep.
It worked but dreamt about these steel robotic fish that were attacking and biting at the heels of all us tourists in St Marten. We were riding in one of those open air taxis when the narrow street just ended at water and these fish chasing us down the street!

Wednesday 10/25: Happy Birthday to me. More searing pain. More percoset. I did grab a nearby Victoria Secret's Catalog to improve those dream sequences. It worked. A beauty whose last name was Osmont in lace convinced me to leave my girlfriend and go with her. The dream ended when we were in court trying to disolve my last relationship. I think it was a girlfriend from college but she was mostly faceless in this dream.

Thursday morning 10/26: Here I sit blogging. The pain is LESS searing but still achy with sudden turns. NOT to the degree of yesterday. Daytime TV sucks AND I do love my job. Back on the show on Monday 10/30. Can't wait! Anyone see the Stones??